Broken
by Labrynth
Summary: Chris is back from China, but what shape is he in?


Disclaimer: Seriously, if I owned them, I wouldn't have let Capcom screw up the story so bad.

I can't help but wonder what kind shape Chris will be in when he makes it home and exactly how Jill will take it. After writing this I saw the parallels between Chris and Angel from Buffy. Those two are peas in a brooding pod...

**Broken**

The Blackhawk touched down and she kept herself from running towards it and tackling him just to prove to herself he was really here. Waiting instead for the rotors to come to a stop and for him to step out on his own. The _whump whump whump _of the blades beat against her body in invisible waves making her waver slightly on her feet. When they came to a stop she felt herself tense, waiting on him. Stepping out of the copter, he shouldered the drab green duffel swiftly and started her direction. If he was surprised about the lack of reception waiting for him, he didn't let it show. To anyone else, the look on his face was stoic. Typical Redfield.

But she could see it. Knew the truth. It was the blank mask he showed when he was fighting emotions he didn't want the world to know about. It was there in the thinness of his mouth, the slight way he squinted his eyes. The tension in his shoulders and the almost imperceptible stiffness of his body. She took note of the smaller frame, the obvious pounds and muscle he had lost. He was still fit, but not where he had been. Edonia had obviously not been kind to him. But then, she already knew that.

He moved towards her and she caught the slight hesitation in his step, the way his eyes darted around, looking for something else to focus on. Flat out, he was terrified to face her. Terrified of what she might say. Scared to death of what her response was going to be.

So she said nothing and waited. Forced herself into almost absolute stillness, brown hair blowing in the breeze the only movement. She watched as he approached her. Watched as he started to fall apart. No one else would have seen it, but she did. The slump of his still broad shoulders. The falter in his step. The breath that caught. The tears that he couldn't keep from welling up in his eyes.

This was why she hadn't allowed anyone else at the landing zone.

When he went to his knees in front of her and wrapped his arms around her middle she could feel his tears seep through her shirt. Face pressed against her belly, he clung tightly to her. Hands wound into the soft strands of his hair and she held on for dear life. His sobs were silent but she felt them rack his body, shudders so hard she felt like they were her own. Closing her eyes, she tilted her head back, her face towards the sky, and let the sun beat down on them.

Jill was unable to stop her own tears and she didn't try. Chris was home. He was home and now she had to put his pieces back together again.

* * *

He wandered the house in a fog. Touching things as he passed as if trying to remember them. No one was exactly sure how much he truly remembered and he wasn't forthcoming with the information. Jill had allowed a handful of people to greet him when they returned to HQ for his debriefing, but she had kept it short, even with Claire. At first his sister thought to protest, but after seeing her brother, she knew Jill was right. The other woman had even managed to keep the debriefing short, a mere half hour compared to the multiple hours it normally took in such a case. She had never been one to throw her weight around, but right now she did what it took to get Chris home where he belonged. Claire could respect that.

She let him roam, not looking over his shoulder or following. Instead she went to the kitchen and put on his favorite coffee blend. He would let her know when he was ready to talk. All she could do until then was wait.

When he didn't return after the pot was ready she worried and went to look for him, finding him standing in her half of the closet.

"None of those fit you," she offered softly.

There was a ghost of a smile on his mouth but he didn't turn around. "I think that blue shirt is my color."

Moving quietly up behind him, she wrapped her arms around his waist and pressed her cheek against his back. In theory she should be happy he was back. Instead she was on edge, waiting for the inevitable explosion. "Well, you do have a sweater that color."

Chris laid his hands over hers and closed his eyes. "I forgot your scent," he confessed in a whisper.

"By the sounds of it, you forgot a lot of things." There was no judgment in her voice.

"Everything." The pain in his voice tore through her heart. "I lost everything."

"Not everything," she placed a kiss against his back.

A finger traced a thin platinum band on her left ring finger. "I don't even have my ring anymore." He never wore it on his finger when on a mission for fear he would either lose it or it would cost him a finger somewhere along the way. Instead he wore it on a chain around his neck while he was gone.

Twining her fingers with his, she pulled away turning him around with their hands. "Come on..." He didn't protest, but he cast a glance back to the large walk in. When they reached the chair and half that sat in one corner of the bedroom, she pushed him down into it, dropping a quick kiss to his mouth as she did so. Her footsteps made no real sound on the plush carpet and she opened the wooden jewelry box he had bought her on her 30th birthday. Taking something from inside she returned to where he sat and climbed into his lap. Just being able to feel him, know he was there with her and relatively okay was enough to soothe her for now.

Jill leaned against his chest and opened her hand. The matching band rested in the palm. She heard his surprised intake of breath before his hand reached out to take it from her. "How?"

"They took it off you in the hospital. Your watch too. No metal in the MRI machine and all that. Because you never went back for your belongings the BSAA had them sent to me." She rested her head on his shoulder, tucked in against the side of his neck. "I knew you'd be back for it."

Chris paused, the ring still held in his hand. "You knew?"

"I knew."

"How?"

Kissing just behind his ear, she let herself relax into him. To enjoy the feel of his body against hers. The feel of his body heat warming her. "Because you would never leave me." He never had, not for long. Even when no one else believed she was alive he had come for her. Gone to the ends of the Earth to find her. At no point in time did she ever doubt his return.

A sound that she couldn't decipher rumbled from his chest and he held out his ring to her. She took it, a little confused, until he held up his left hand. Sliding it home, she smiled. "I missed you."

Arm wrapped around her and held on tightly. "I was scared to asked Piers about you when I remembered." His confession was said so quietly she almost missed it.

"It's okay," she told him as she snuggled against him again. "You're here now and that's all that matters." He made no reply and she knew he was holding back. Keeping things to himself he wasn't ready to share yet. And that was okay. Eventually he would. Sooner or later he would tell her what was eating at him. She highly doubted it was just that he has forgotten their life. There was more to it than that. Much more. Her suspicions would remain hers for now.

At some point he would break down and tell her. But until he did, his pieces would remain scattered, unable to be put back together. Even though she didn't want to leave his arms, she slid from his lap and took his hand. "Come on, I made you some coffee. We'll go over the rest of your debrief in the kitchen."

* * *

The look of utter disgust on his face would have amused her if she hadn't sensed how upset he was about it. Chris stood at the sink, plastic jug of orange juice in his hand, and from the look on his face, he had just taken a big swallow of the stuff. Somehow he managed to choke it down, coughing and sputtering once it had been swallowed. He set the container on the counter and looked at her, slightly horrified.

"I don't like orange juice."

She offered him a grin she couldn't stop and nodded, heading to the fridge to pull out the other jug of juice. "No, you don't. Especially if it has extra pulp." Handing him the other one, she picked up the orange juice, capped it, and stuck it back where it belonged. "Ruby Red and Tangerine is your juice of choice."

His look was skeptical but he opened it anyway and gave it a tentative taste. When he realized she was right he took a big drink. "Much better, thanks." Jill couldn't quite define the look he gave her but it worried her. He had kept himself at a distance while still engaging her as much as possible. At night he held her tightly, as if he feared she'd be gone when he woke up in the morning. He had yet to return to work in any capacity and she knew it was driving him nuts. His workouts had become marathon sessions that pushed him to utter exhaustion. She knew he was still hiding from her, letting his demons work him over in the confines of his mind.

"Anytime." She looked him in the eyes and slid her arms loosely around his waist. "Are you okay?" At this point, she wasn't even sure if he'd tell her if he wasn't. He had withdrawn from her in a way she'd never seen before. This wasn't just a _I need to lick my wounds by myself_ kind of withdrawal. This was something else. And it worried her deeply.

"Yes-" he started automatically, then caught himself. "No," he admitted after a few moments. Defeat was evident on his face. "These are things I should know. Basic, simple things that should be like breathing... things you don't have to think about or consider."

"Maybe they once were," she agreed, "but your brain has changed. You were injured and these things just need to be... rerouted. Some things you may never recover." He looked away from her and she pressed herself close. "It doesn't change anything Chris. It doesn't change who you are."

The obvious frustration he was feeling came off him in waves. "But I should know! There's so much I should know but it's like trying to look at things through a fog bank. I know they're there, but I can't get to them." With a sound of dismay he buried his face against her neck. His next words were muffled but she could hear them anyway. "I should know exactly where to touch you, where your favorite spots are." When he looked at her, his eyes welled with tears. "How could I forget those things?"

Chris started to pull away from her but she held on tight. "Look at me," she demanded. When he did she gave him a smile. "Tell me what you do remember."

It was enough to tug the corners of his mouth. He'd been home for a few months now and he had yet to really touch her. Sure, he'd hugged her, held her close, but he'd shied away from anything intimate, which wasn't at all like him. She'd even walked around the bedroom naked trying to provoke a response out of him, but he'd bolted instead. If she didn't know better, she would be deeply offended. Jill knew she wasn't quite as trim as she used to be, having traded field work for office work, but he'd always appreciated the curves before.

"I remember that your neck is sensitive." He laid a gentle kiss to the left side of her neck and she shivered. "I remember that you have a ticklish spot..." a hand trailed down her back until it hit the sensitive spot just to the right of her spine, almost to her ass. Jill jumped in response and that earned her a real smile.

"Seems like you're doing all right so far," she told him. Her body was singing at his touch. She needed this man like she needed air and their time apart had nearly killed her. But having him here and him still being so far away from her, that was even worse.

"You tasted like strawberries the first time I kissed you." Their lips met, brushing against one another. Her hands slipped under the hem of his T shirt to touch his skin. "I remember how soft your hands are," he whispered against her mouth. "How they like to tease..."

"Then what's the problem?"

He kissed her hard then, his tongue dominating hers, drinking in everything he loved about her. Using her like a Band-Aid to stop the parts of his soul that were still bleeding. When he pulled away he looked pained. "I don't remember the right touch that makes you beg me not to stop. Or how you look when you come." Once again he started to pull away and once again she held him. "Those are things I should never forget. Things that I should be able to take with me to my grave."

Arms wound their way around his neck, her heart aching for him, knowing she couldn't help him recover everything he had lost. The doctors weren't sure if his memory would ever return entirely. For the most part the big picture was there, but many of the finer details were lost. Moving to her toes so he didn't have to bend down, she kissed him. He responded, his arms around her waist to pull her close. When she moved to his ear and nibbled he let out a groan.

"None of it matters." A kiss just behind his ear. "Want to know why?"

"Why?" he growled softly, his face buried in the crook of her neck.

When she didn't answer right away he looked up at her, worry on his face. Like he thought she was about to tell him she was leaving him forever.

"Because," she started, giving him a wicked grin. "That just means you get to learn it all over. Maybe learn a few new tricks along the way." She could see the protest start to build but she shook her head and took his hand, leading him out of the kitchen. Chris pressed his other hand to her lower back and felt a tremor run through her. "Don't worry big guy," she promised, "I'll steer you around the curves."

He couldn't argue with that.

* * *

"Has it gotten any better?" Claire asked, static on the line drowning out her voice for a few seconds.

"Some," Jill replied. "I'm slowly breaking down the walls and putting the bricks I find back together." She chewed on her bottom lip. "But there's something he's still holding back. Something big."

"Any ideas?" His sister had made sure to take him to lunch at least once a week and she could see the improvement he'd made. She could also see what Jill was referring to. Chris still kept himself at arm's length for the most part.

"None that really makes sense. At least not completely." She sighed, leaning back in her black leather office chair. And hearing the familiar creak "I guess it's possible there was another woman while he was gone. He would have a hard time forgiving himself for that. He'd see it as a betrayal of me. But honestly, I think it's something bigger. Something that crosses all of his relationships. Besides, I don't think he was in any condition to be chatting up the ladies then, no matter how charming he can be when he tries."

Claire snorted. "Charming? Is that what won you over?"

"Well, that and his really big-"

"I don't want to hear it!" his sister cut her off before she could finish.

Jill laughed. "I was going to say his really big... hands."

"Uh huh, sure you were." Unable to help it, the red head laughed too. When they had both gotten themselves under control again she asked, "What now?"

"Just roll with it I guess. Try to get him to go back to work in some capacity before he drives me, and himself, even more nuts. The boy doesn't do well with so much time on his hands."

"He really doesn't," came the agreement. "Anything I can do?"

"I don't know that any of us can do anything right now. Some of it I think he has to work through on his own. Eventually he'll worry on it enough that it will come out." Jill's heart clenched in her chest. "I just hope when it does we can catch it all before he falls apart completely."

"Me too."

They said their good byes and hung up. Jill sat in the chair, her mind wandering to the things that had happened since their kitchen encounter. He had been much more affectionate with her, more open about his thoughts. They had been going at it like rabbits since then too and she couldn't help but smile to herself. It was amazing they weren't both walking funny. No one would hear her complain though. Sometimes those were the only times she felt he was really with her. That he trusted her with all the bits and pieces he had shattered in to.

But she still sensed his hesitation. Sensed that he still held on to something so close, so tightly, that it was tearing him apart no matter how hard she tried to put him back together.

* * *

Crawling up the bed towards him, she shook him gently. "Come on sleepy head. Time to get up." They'd been up late and it was no wonder he was still asleep. Still, it was time to put her foot down.

Growling, he waited until she was hovering over him until he grabbed her and rolled her over onto her back, coming to rest above her. Truthfully he was a bit disappointed she was already dressed, though he suspected she'd planned it that way. "Mmmm," he nuzzled against her neck. "Would much rather stay here with you." She could feel his hardness pressed against her, just in case she didn't know exactly what he meant. "I'll make you breakfast in bed if you get undressed and come join me again."

"As tempting as that is..."

"Pancakes," he offered, a line of kisses trailing across her collar bone, or as much of it as he could reach without unbuttoning her shirt.

Her resolve melted a teeny tiny bit. He did make great pancakes. With blueberries. "Chris..." she pushed meekly against his shoulders.

"Waffles?" His mouth had moved up the other side of her neck and was nibbling along her jaw line.

Her insides turned to jelly and she scolded herself. "Dammit Chris, we need to be-""

His hands were roaming her body and even though her clothes were between them, she felt the tingle low in her core, felt herself getting wet. Before she knew it his hands had her shirt completely unbuttoned and was pulling it off.

"No fair!" she protested. "You agreed."

True, he agreed to go with her to the office today, to pin down what he would be doing with the BSAA for a while since field work was out of the question until he'd been medically cleared. He wondered if the docs had cleared him for this. The thought made him grin.

"I agreed to go in," he admitted as he pulled the cups of her bra down to expose her pink, peaked nipples. "I never agreed to a time." His eyes met hers just before he sucked one of the stiff peaks into his mouth. Moving to the other one he bit lightly, forcing her to arch against him. "And I never agreed to what condition either of us would be in when we got there."

Her hands clutched his shoulders, pulling him closer even as her mind screamed to push him away. No matter what he thought, he still knew how to play her body perfectly, to pluck the strings until they were all vibrating in sync and she tumbled over the edge.

"No fair," she whimpered.

"I also never agreed to be fair." His hands worked at the buttons on her pants and he was thankful she had dressed more casual today. Khakis were a whole lot easier to get off than a suit. Roughly he shoved the material down her hips, kissing as he went. "And since you won't let me make you breakfast in bed, I think I'm going to have you for breakfast. Right here in this bed. Maybe in the shower later."

His words shot through her like fire and she moaned his name. Fingers slid under her panty line to touch her and she nearly came off the bed. He worked her there, teasing and touching until she begged him to finish it. When his hand pulled away she bit his shoulder and he gave her that wicked smile that always dropped her heart to her knees and got a response from her body no matter what. Head dipped and he moved down, taking her into his mouth. Jill cried out, saying his name like it was both sacred and a curse.

Sheets were clutched in her hands as she arched up. Working her through the thin scrap of satin Chris couldn't help but feel as if so much of what was lost had been found again. His heart missed those months they had been apart, but he was glad she was here. She had been waiting for him to return. He pulled the soaked fabric away from her, tossing them aside like an afterthought and sucked her completely into his mouth.

She screamed, her body tensed to the breaking point. When she came she was soaked in sweat and he could smell that scent that was strictly Jill all around him. His tongue traced patterns on her most sensitive spots and he smiled as her muscles twitched in response. "Best breakfast I've had in as long as I can remember." His deep voice sent shivers across her skin.

As much as her sated body didn't want her to move, Jill ignored it and reached for him, pulling him up, kissing him deeply. When they broke apart she could taste herself. His erection pressed against her leg and she shoved him roughly over, climbing over him without giving him a chance to protest.

"My turn," she hissed against his mouth just before she made it hers. Then she impaled herself on him ever so slowly and he thought he might lose it then and there.

* * *

When they finally managed to make it into the office it was already lunch time. She was looking a little sheepish and he looked like the damn Cheshire Cat with that stupid grin on his face. He'd even high-fived a few of the guys and she had the urge to smack him upside the head and wipe the smirk off his face. Only the fact she hadn't seen him this happy since he got back stopped her from doing it. Instead she chose to duck into her office as soon as she could to avoid the knowing looks.

He followed a half hour later, dropping down into a chair on the other side of her desk. "Have I ever told you that you look hot sitting there?"

Raising a brow at him, she didn't respond. Chris had never had a type really, but he always did have a thing for smart chicks.

"You know," his voice dropped and he gave her a grin that nearly had her running to the door to lock it. "This desk looks pretty sturdy..."

"No!" The idea was more tempting than she'd ever admit, though she wasn't sure she'd ever be able to work at the desk again. Hell she was having a hard time looking at it the same after his suggestion. "We have things to do today!"

"Will it be more fun?"

"I doubt it." Smoothing her pants against her legs she looked away from him until she could get herself together. Finally she looked at him again and took a deep breath. "I want you to start working with the new recruits today."

The smile fell and he scowled at her. "What do you mean?"

"Chris, you have more experience than damn near anyone else here. That is still valuable. Still needed." Somehow she knew he wouldn't be happy about it but she hadn't quite expected the glacial reaction.

"I don't think I'm the one they need." All the warmth from his voice was gone as was his smile.

"I think you're exactly what they need." She wasn't sure if she could make him understand. "You can't be in the field forever Chris, but you can help prepare them for what they're facing out there."

He dropped his head into his hands, scrubbing his face. He hadn't showered before they came in and he could still smell her on him. He fought the smile that caused, the turmoil at being responsible for another group of soldiers churning inside of him.

"Nothing can prepare you for that." His eyes were haunted as he looked up at her. "You should know that."

"I do." She rose and came around the desk to stop in front of him. Her hands went into his hair and she marveled at how soft it was. For some reason it always came as a surprise. The perpetual cow lick he had in the front negated the need for any hair products, it stood up like that on it's own and she tousled it a bit. "But I also know you can give them more than anyone here."

Emotional agony ripped through him and he leaned into her hands. "I don't know if I can do it," he admitted in a hoarse whisper.

Kneeling in front of him, she kissed his forehead. "I know you can." Neither broke the gaze they held. "Try. For me."

Finally he looked away and took a deep breath. "All right." His heart felt like it had been ripped from his chest. "For you."

* * *

A month had gone by since Chris had agreed to take on the training of recruits. He'd done a good job for the most part, at least with the skills portion, but Jill had heard a lot of complaints. Some inane, usually from the ones who didn't make the cut, complaining he was too hard on them. But some of the complaints were valid. That he was cold, distant, unfeeling. Many of the agents had been excited to be training under the famous Chris Redfield, but now they had other ideas.

Sadly Jill had seen the change at home too. Her husband was now moody and withdrawn, staying up till all hours of the night. He hadn't returned to drinking, but she suspected it was coming if something didn't give soon. Every time she asked him how it was going, what he thought of teaching, he would give her a terse "Fine" and that was it. No matter how she poked or prodded, she could never get more out of him.

Currently he was sulking on the couch, brooding over something he wouldn't share. Dinner had been a quiet and tense affair even though she had made his favorite chicken enchiladas. She'd watched as he'd gone to the fridge and pulled out a bottle of Corona only to stop and put it back with a glance over his shoulder at her. She'd said nothing, not wanting to start anything but she was starting to wonder if that's what was needed.

Taking a breath she plopped down next to him on the couch. "How are your recruits?"

"Fine."

"They didn't seem fine today." Two had nearly quit and it was only after she promised she'd speak to him that they both agreed to stay. "I heard about the ruckus."

"Did they come crying to mommy?" he growled without looking at her.

"You always such a dick?"

It snapped his head around and his eyes narrowed at her. "Whats that supposed to mean?" demanded Chris.

"I remember a time when you actually taught them. Not tried to kill them or treat them like they're children."

"They are children! None of them should even be here." The words were hot, spoken full of emotion.

"You hand picked some of them before you left for Edonia," she pointed out mildly.

"And I was wrong, okay? Are you happy now Jill? Is that what you want to hear? I was wrong?" Shoving his way off the couch he moved as far across the room as he could get from her as if just being near her was too much to deal with.

"I'll be happy when you tell me what's going on." Her voice never changed, still the same mild tone she'd been using.

But something about it set him off and he raged. "There's nothing going on already! The class is full of a bunch of whiny kids who need to go home and let their mamas wipe their noses." He threw his hands into the air. "Dammit what do you expect of me Jill?"

"I expect you to teach them. Like you did Piers. Finn. All of them. This isn't you Chris. Stop punishing them for something they had nothing to do with."

Snarling, "What the hell do you know about it?"

"I know I'm getting complaints. I know this isn't you."

"Maybe you don't know me anymore." The words were hurled at her.

Unable to help it, she laughed. "I'll know you Chris. I always have."

Something in her words was his undoing. He flew across the room, slamming into her, driving her back into the cushions. Mouth bruising hers, his hands moved over her body with practiced ease. She reveled in it. Normally he wasn't violent, or even rough really, but this was pure Chris. Pure emotion. The most she'd seen from him since his return. And she wanted it. Wanted Hurricane Chris to spend himself on her as she rode out the storm.

Not holding back she kissed him just as hard, her hands jerking his t shirt over his head to get to bare skin. He did the same of the t shirt she wore until she was wearing only his boxers. She stripped him down to the same and wrapped herself around him, arms and legs pulling him down to her. Hands went to her ass, gripping it tightly just before jerking off the boxers she wore, breaking apart the heartbeat to took to remove them completely. Pressing against her through the fabric of his own she arched up to move against him as her hands pulled at his shoulders. He felt her breasts press against him and reached down to stroke her. There was no need as she was more than ready for him and he pulled away long enough to drop his pair of shorts to the floor before falling on her.

Mouths bruised and the stubble on his skin scratched her own raw but she urged him on. Breath hot in his ear, he shoved into her, not taking the time to let her body adjust he plunged into her again and again. Clawing at his back, she met each thrust with one of her own The only noises coming from them were pants and grunts. Primal need wrapped around them, urging them on until they both cried out in release.

When finished there was no basking in the glow. Instead he shoved himself away from her violently, turning his back on her for fear he would strike out. Would physically hurt her. It was something a man like him would be capable of.

"Chris." His name on her lips had always been music to his hears, but now it was painful, knifing through him like no blade ever could. When her hand came to rest on his shoulder he spun away angrily.

She took a step towards him and he shook his head. "Get away from me Jill!" Keeping just out of her reach he glared at her. She took the hint and stopped. "Just stay away from me! You can't save me."

Eying him warily, she shook her head slightly. "You have to save yourself Chris. All I can do is be here to offer you a hand when you need it." The cool air caused her to shiver but she refused to leave. Everything was finally coming out and she wasn't about to put a stop to it. Chris was never good at hiding his emotions, not when they were deeply felt but he rarely spoke about what it was he was feeling. He was a man of action and words weren't actions. At least not to him.

"Just leave already!" He lashed out at her and she felt it like a physical blow. "I don't know why you even bothered to stay! GO!"

Two steps towards him before she stopped. "I'm not going anywhere Chris."

"I fucked someone else. OK? Every night I was gone. A different woman every night." This wasn't for her benefit. This was to inflict pain on himself. He was trying to drive her away, force her to leave.

The smile she gave nearly broke him. "I know better Chris. Even if you had been in any shape to do such a thing something would have stopped you." She knew the truth in her heart. "Besides, you forget. I have access to all the reports. Yours. Piers. Even Finn wrote a few."

The sound of his comrade's names brought tears to his eyes.

"You have no idea."

"I do. I always have. I know what happened while you were away. I know you tried keeping everyone together. Tried keeping them alive."

"And I failed Jill!" He launched himself at her, grabbing her by the arms hard enough she knew she'd have finger shaped bruises, and drove her back. Heart pounding in her chest, she didn't resist, wincing slightly as her head hit the wall. But still she didn't fight him. "I let them all die." He shook her roughly. "Am I worth saving? Am I a man worth saving?"

'You are to me." He flinched, letting go of her like she had suddenly caught fire. "You were to Piers."

Pain flashed across his face and he moved back. "How? How can you say that? How can I be worth saving? I might as well killed them all myself." Tears flowed down his face but he didn't seem to notice. "They're all dead because of me!" He was so tense she feared he might shatter. "How can you ask me to teach anyone knowing I'll only get them killed?"

His rage was a palpable thing but she had no fear of him. "Was I worth saving?" The quiet question was enough to stop him, to force him to look at her. To _see_ her. She held his gaze and never flinched, never turned away. Spine straight, she challenged him. "Was I worth saving Chris? After all I did? After the people I infected? The ones I killed. Was I worth saving? Worth going to Africa to find?"

"You were always worth saving." Approaching her, he grasped her arms again, eyes searching her face. "What would ever make you think you weren't worth saving?"

It was something they had rarely spoke of. He had read the reports, knew the extent of the things she had done while under Wesker's control. But they had rarely spoken of it. In the beginning it was because she was still trying to process it, needed time to come to terms with it. She still had nights where she woke up in a cold sweat, a scream stuck in the back of her throat. Afterwords it was because neither of them wanted to open old wounds that had taken so long to scab over if not fully heal.

Time heals all wounds and apparently it also gave her enough space to come to terms with it. To accept that she'd had no control over it. That there was nothing more she could have done.

"I killed people myself Chris. With my own bare hands." Never before had she put it so boldly to him. He knew, but she'd never said those words to him until now. "Men, women, children." Pain flared in her chest at the memories. "I spread the contagion and never looked back."

"But it wasn't you!" The protest was nearly shouted.

"Wasn't it?"

"No!" The response was vehement. "Wesker controlled you. Pumped you full of chemicals. Used you."

"Like Ada used you?" The wind went completely out of his sails. "Like the BSAA used you?"

They had yet to discuss the fact she had all but resigned when he had been sent to China. In fact, she wasn't even sure if he knew. She's assumed someone had told him, but she hadn't. She had protested until she was hoarse from screaming at them that he wasn't fit to return to duty like that. In the end, the only reason she had stayed was because she needed their resources to keep track of him.

They hadn't listened.

They hadn't listened and people died.

And Chris had carried that with him for so long now. They were finally at the crux of the issue, the thing that had kept him from returning to them completely.

"You went across the world to find me Chris. You never believed I was dead. How can you ask me if you're worth saving?"

Just like he had the day he landed, he went to his knees in front of her. "All my men..."

"They died in the line of duty Chris. You can't blame yourself every time one of them dies. You'll tear yourself into pieces."

Sobbing against her belly, his anguish wrenched through her, slicing through flesh, blood, and bone into her soul. Her hands stroked his hair, touching him gently.

"I don't know how to let it go."

"You don't. Not really. Eventually, if you let it, time will give you a new perspective on it. And you carry on. You do the things you need to do. You do the things that are important." Using her hands in his hair she lifted his tear stained face to look at her. "You carry on with life Chris. You honor the memory of those you lost and you _live your life_. Because if you don't, you might as well spit on their graves."

Rising, he wrapped her in his arms and held her close. "I love you Jill." he said into her hair.

"I know you do. I've always known. I love you more than anything Chris." Her body trembled both from emotion and cold.

"Come on, you're freezing." In her naked state she had to be frozen now. Emotion was still keeping her warm but that feeling was rapidly dissipating.

Chris took her hand and led her to their bedroom. He pulled her into bed with him and pulled the blankets up around them, arranging her so that she lay across his chest. She snuggled close, head tucked under his chin. It was still damp with his tears but she didn't move.

"Thank you," he whsipered to her.

Looking up at him, her eyes were full of questions. "For what?"

"For picking up the pieces. Even the ones I thought I'd left behind."

"I'll always pick you up when you fall," she promised.

He was still broken but she finally felt she had all the pieces. Now they could start putting him back together.


End file.
